January Detox

30 days without drugs or alcohol. Seemed like a simple thing to do after two months of heavy consumption. It felt like patterns were forming and I needed to figure it out.

Now I don't want to go out to social stuff I normally would. It seems that I go out at least as much to drink as to socialize. And without the booze I can't find a way to endure. Being in groups of people is suddenly a lot of work and I'm constantly wishing I was doing just about anything else.

When there are other people around I'm unable to be free. Alone I'm free to think, free to imagine, free to consider and then free to act. With people I'm always pulled a little off balance so I can be present, conscious for whoever's around. I need to be someone around them. Rather than a free spirit roaming around my own mind. Other people cause me to anchor myself. And for every hour I spend under anchor I need at least two at sea. Hell truly is other people.

Now I have to face the reality that many situations for me are only interesting because I'm fucked up. If I'm sober I only want to be riding, training or reading. Most places are only tolerable because of drugs or alcohol. Being drunk or high is a huge part of what makes them fun.