Just When I Thought It Was Clear

I went out. Had drinks. Wanted so much more. But like a video that hadn't properly buffered, I got jammed up. Emotionally I just didn't have the desire or the capacity to follow through. It puts so much into perspective. Testing the waters verifies that I am not ready and that I was already doing everything I needed to do.

Had some pretty deep pangs of sadness and regret today. Thinking back to good times and all the good that had to be thrown out with the bad. It was all tempered by the reality that those times are no longer available; that the chemistry that made it all possible is gone. Can't beg. Or plead. Or want. Can only mourn and remember.

Every day is a Crossfit workout. Just one more rep, one more breath, just one more second. Just hold on. Can't lose my composure for pain.

Just gotta be selfish for now and keep building relationships.